embracing my weird
A few months ago, I got an urgent email from a CEO of a tech company. They had just received a complaint from an employee alleging harassment by one of the members of the Executive Team. The CEO was desperate to connect because (a) they wanted to act swiftly (b) they wanted to handle the complaint the right way and (c) they were jumping on a plane in two hours and wouldn’t have great access to cell service for the next three days….
I was neck-deep in writing a workplace investigation report. And when I get into the zone, I’m a bit of a zombie (and definitely not dressed profesh!) Normally, when I’m that immersed in writing a report, I don’t do new workplace investigation consults, because I’m distracted, I’m not at my best and I’m not likely to make a great first impression.
But this CEO was desperate. So I made an exception. I asked them if we could jump on a quick phone call and they said that they would prefer to connect over Zoom because it was important to them to get a feel for me if they were going to hire me (oof…)
So, on top of feeling distracted by the report I was writing, and having no time to get organized or prep for a new consult, I was now going to jump on a video call with a stressed-out CEO while looking like a big bag of you know what. Fun times.
It turns out the CEO had engaged an external investigator two years prior to deal with a complaint of misconduct. They had a poor experience with the investigator they hired, so they were gun shy of making another mistake.
We did some quick intros, we touched on the high-level details of the complaint, I asked my typical intake questions, they asked me some questions about my process and rates, and the call came to an end. They said they would get back to me within the hour with a decision as to whether they wanted to move forward with me.
Thirty-six minutes later, my phone rang, and it was the CEO letting me know that they wanted to work with me, and that they felt both confident and comfortable with my process and with me. And just as we were getting off the phone, they said…
“I knew you were the right investigator to hire because you showed up as your weird, whole self.”
Ummmm...what?
They explained that:
me jumping on the Zoom call in sweats and an unkempt top knot showed that I cared more about them (the client) and making workplaces better than about how I came across
the questions that I asked during the intake call demonstrated not just what I did, and how I did it but also who I was - someone who is “mad passionate about the work'' but also someone who treats people with “care, kindness and empathy” (which was wildly important to them)
they liked that I was direct and didn’t sugarcoat how hard this process is for everyone involved and that I warned them that the investigation may not yield the findings, conclusions or recommendations that they WANTED to hear, but that it would yield the findings, conclusions and recommendations that they NEEDED to hear
they felt like they were auditioning to be my client vs. interviewing me to decide whether to hire me as the investigator, which made them feel more confident about hiring me because they understood that a values alignment was a must for working together
the clincher for them was when I asked “Can you handle the truth?” because A Few Good Men is their favourite movie of all time (and they felt like it was a sign from the Universe!). First, let me assure you that I don’t attempt a bad Jack Nicholson impression when I ask this question. And second, I ask this question during consult calls because I only want to work with clients that are committed to doing the right thing vs. the easy thing and that can mean making hard decisions and big changes.
And that was that. They hired me.
I conducted a tough and intense investigation. We closed it. They’re doing the hard work now to recover from the incident, rebuild trust and restore the workplace.
But recently, I’ve been reflecting on what they said.
A lot.
When I started my journey as an independent workplace investigator, I was so focused on what others thought of me.
Did they think I was smart enough?
Did they think I was professional enough?
Did they think I was confident enough?
And the answer was no.
They didn’t.
Because I wasn’t being me.
I was being a version of me that I thought they wanted to see.
And I dimmed my own light.
I wanted to be seen as serious, trustworthy and competent.
I tried to hide my kind, empathetic, and compassionate sides because I thought they made me seem soft.
But they are the best parts of me.
They are my superpowers.
They are my values.
They are who I am.
They are what I do.
And they make me damned good at what I do.
I’ve finally landed in a place where I’m me.
Real, raw, messy, authentic, me.
All of me. Even the weird (yet oddly relatable) bits.
So, I’m embracing my weird and sprinkling that shit everywhere.
Some weird facts about me:
I’m an unapologetic ENFJ (aka super planner and template queen)
I’m a cautious adventurer (I’m basically a curious scaredy-cat)
My life is governed by my next meal (and I move from hungry to hangry in a hot minute)
I can’t wear heels (or at least not for longer than an hour)
I can’t file my own nails to save my life (seriously...)
So, what’s your weird?
September 21, 2021
Saira Gangji is an independent licensed Workplace Investigator at hrology in Calgary, AB. She investigates allegations of discrimination and human rights, harassment, violence and misconduct in the workplace. For more information about hrology and our process, see the work with me page.